Royalties for Miles of Smiles

Some people find speaking about their finances a bit difficult, but as my blog readers are usually budding (or experienced) adventure authors, I thought it would be interesting share with you the royalties I will be making on my book – Miles of Smiles: Finding Britain’s Funny Bone.

Publishing Strategy

Just to give context, I am publishing my eBook exclusively through Amazon on the Kindle Unlimited programme for 3 months so I can run at least one Count-down Promotion on it. After 3 months, I will be sharing it ‘wide’ on IngramSpark so that all those people who think that Amazon is a money grabbing monopoly can also buy it. IngramSpark is a distribution service who make the book available to multiple online and physical retailers as well as libraries.

For the print book, I am publishing it on both Amazon AND IngramSpark.

In time, I’ll publish the book through my website, but I’ve haven’t got my head round that yet. I’m also planning to publish the audio book, but again, I’m behind the curve on that one. In my opinion, it’s better to get the book out there rather than sit on it forever.

Amazon Publishing

Here are some screenshots taken from my Amazon KDP account. They were taken on the 5th April 2024, just over 1 week before I launch the book, so these figures could change over time. Also, although I will be selling the book in multiple currencies, I’ve kept to UK and British Pounds because that is my main market and to keep things simple.

Amazon Print

As you can see, for the print book selling at £11.99, I get a paltry royalty of £1.33. You may also notice that I haven’t signed it up for Extended Distribution. This is because I’m already using extended distribution through IngramSpark. I’d also need another ISBN, which I can’t be bothered to buy at the moment.

Amazon eBook

The eBook sells at £5.99 and gets an incredible royalty of £4.14. So, if you really want to support your favourite adventure author (whether it’s me or not), the best thing you can do is buy their eBook. And if you buy it directly from their website, they get even more royalties.

The disparity between these two prices is the cost of production and distribution. An eBook obviously costs a lot less to produce than a proper book (7p versus £5.86), and a lot less to send directly to the customer. By signing up to Kindle Unlimited, I also have access to the 70% royalty rate. When I drop out of KU, I’ll only receive 35% (£2.10 per book sale), which is still better than the print book.

IngramSpark Publishing

Here are some screenshots taken from my IngramSpark account. Again, they were taken on the 5th April 2024 so these figures could change over time.

Print

As you can see, at the same price (£11.99), I actually get less royalties (Compensation) than Amazon KDP. I only get 83p per print book sold. That’s because the royalty rate is so much lower and print prices are so much more than Amazon. The Discount is what the other retailers get if they buy my book so that they can make their own profit. E.g. if Waterstones decide to sell my book, they get a 35% discount on the price and that will be where they make their money. The Returns column suggests that they can return the book if it doesn’t sell and get a refund from Ingram. In this instance, I chose destroy so that I don’t have to pay for the postage of the book back to the warehouse. Despite my reluctance to see one of my perfectly good books destroyed (for personal and environmental reasons), I just can’t afford for everyone’s return postage fees.

eBook

For the eBook, it’s much more straightforward. £5.99 is the cost of the book, libraries can buy it and lend it out for £9.99 and my royalties are £2.40 per book sold. So, if you really want to help me out, go to your local library, tell them to look up my book on their eBook catalogue (hopefully it will be there!), and rent it out for the week. And if it’s not there, get someone else’s book. It’s always great to support our local libraries. Remember, I won’t be selling ANY eBooks through IngramSpark for at least the first 3 months, so don’t expect to see it in your library until probably August.

What about Traditional Publishing?

It’s worth shining a brief light on the age-old discussion about whether self-publishing or traditional publishing is the best option, and royalties is one of the key talking points. As a traditional published author, you can expect royalties of about 10%. For my book at £11.99, I would expect £1.20. 15% of this would go to the literary agent (if I had one) leaveing me with £1.02, more than Ingram but less than Amazon. With Traditional Publishing, you would also have access to different marketing streams, support with cover design, editing and formatting and a whole host of other benefits. I’m also way more likely to see my book in bookshops.

So why do I stick with self-publishing? Because I have complete control. If I want to change the price, I can do that anytime I want. If I want to run a promotion, I can do that easily. If I want to change anything about the internal or external matter, I absolutely can. I just like the personal control that I have over my own Intellectual Property.

Let’s put that whole argument aside for now and refocus on the topic of this blog - royalties.

Conclusion

In conclusion, print books are wonderful things to have on our bookshelves. I will never get bored of the tactile feeling of riffling through a print book and smelling that new book smell. In reality, however, they don’t actually make their authors very much money at all when compared to eBooks. EBooks also work out cheaper for the reader, too. So maybe it’s time to invest in a Kindle and support your local author.

Additionally, this blog only explores the royalties of online retailers Amazon and IngramSpark. An author can make significantly more money by selling on their own websites as they don’t have to split royalties with the online retailers. Before you buy your favourite author’s book, maybe check out their website first. You might even find some premium products, like signed books or limited-edition hardbacks. It’s worth checking out.

Finally, if you are publishing your book, whether traditionally or self-publishing, think carefully about your royalty options. Make the book work hard to bring in as much money as you can. You deserve your royalties. It’s your book after all, and the people spending their money on it are your readers. It’s only right that as much of that money as possible should make its way into your pocket.

Good luck and keep writing,

Jon

Miles of Smiles is released on 15th April 2024. If you like adventure and jokes, you’ll love this book - https://amzn.to/43ygdlq

Writing for Adventure Authors - The 7 Writing Syndromes

Only 2 days until Launch Day!!! Aaaaahh!! This is so exciting and also completely nerve-wracking!

Today I have a section taken from the final chapter, Chapter 5 - Attaching Your Butt to Your Chair. It's about the 'Writing

Writing Syndromes

For me the hardest part is the emotional drain that writing has on me. Here are some nasty illnesses that you might want to keep an eye out for:

·         Your brain – ‘You’re not a writer! And you’re definitely not a specialist in [insert chosen area here]. How dare you ever think that you could write a book! No one’s even going to read it.’ 

Diagnosis – Imposter Syndrome

Remedy – You’d be surprised by how much you know about your chosen topic compared to the average person. I didn’t think I knew much about Self-Publishing until I realised that my friends didn’t know what I was talking about when I mentioned ‘Print on Demand’ or ‘KDP Select’. The moment you publish your book you become the authority on your chosen area anyway. Also, the research that goes into writing most books will educate you to become an authority anyway. If you don’t feel like a specialist now, trust me, you will by the time you publish.

·         Your brain – ‘You’re wasting your time. No one is going to read your book. No one cares what you are writing. You’re spending hours inside on your own when you could be outside socialising and embracing life.’

Diagnosis – FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)

Remedy - Yes, you need a balance in your writing life and social life but the key thing is balance. Remember what your 'WHY?' was. There is a specific, probably long term, reason that you are writing a book. You are sacrificing short term enjoyment (of that pint and packet of salty nuts) for a long term reward (your 'WHY?'). Focus on what will make you happier in the long run.

·         Your brain – ‘You’re going to fail so why bother starting?’

Diagnosis – Fear of Failure

Remedy – Identify your measure of success and then aim for that. Also, identify the moments of success along the way. If you complete your first chapter, that is a major moment to celebrate. If you finish the first draft, again a time to cheer. Got your front cover sorted? Do a victory dance. You’ve finished all the edits? High five a stranger. The book is published. Break out the champagne. The key is to realise that every milestone is a moment of success and even if you don’t achieve your overall goal of making a certain figure in sales, for example, you will have already achieved so much and learned so much along the way. Even if you fail, you win!

·         Your brain – ‘This writing is rubbish. How do you even know if it is any good?’

Diagnosis – Validation desperation

Remedy – If you are that desperate for validation then head down the Trad route. You won’t find any immediate validation in the Self-Publishing route. You will have Editors (who will tell you where you’ve made all your mistakes) and you will have Beta Readers (who might, possibly, tell you something positive about your book) but in the main, no one is going to say if your book is worthy, whatever that means, until you hit that publish button and get your first 5 star review. Understand that the reason you are Self-Publishing is because you don’t need validation. You want to have complete control to produce the work how you would like to. Be strong. Trust in the process.

·         Your brain – ‘You thicko! You just don’t know what to write.’

Diagnosis – Writers’ Block

Remedy - Just a quick one as I STRONGLY believe that Writers' Block does not exist and is just an excuse for people to not write. If you are stuck for what to write then you haven't planned it out correctly or you're nervous about putting down what is in your brain. Don't be afraid, especially in the first draft phase. It doesn't matter what you write down. No one is going to see this first draft anyway. All that is important is that you DO writer it down.

·         Your brain – ‘That’s not quite right. I’m sure you could use a better way to describe that. And that. And that.’

Diagnosis – Perfectionism

Remedy - Again to be avoided at all costs during the first draft phase. Dodge the perfectionism bullet by refusing to edit as you write.

·         Your brain – ‘Everyone else is so much better at writing / adventuring / public speaking / being a human being (*delete as appropriate) than you are!’

Diagnosis - Comparisonitis

Remedy - The worst of them all! If you are an adventurer you know this feeling. You've probably experienced it a hundred times before. This adventurer has been to a far more extreme place than you. That adventurer has travelled further than you. This adventurer gets paid more per speaking gig than you. That adventurer has a way sexier beard (yes, I'm looking at you Sean Conway!). There is no way to avoid Comparisonitis other than the classic method of denial. It doesn't matter what other people are doing or where they are going or what they are writing. What YOU are writing is important and the world needs to hear it!

Well that's it for tasters. Hopefully the next time you'll read it, you'll have the whole book downloaded to your Kindle. Or maybe you'll be flicking through the pages on the train dreaming of that adventure you took and the opportunity to relive the adventure through the medium of book writing.

I hope so.

On the 1st May, please be an absolute legend and go and download my book (for FREE!) on your favourite eBook site. And if you want to buy the paperback copy, that's super awesome too.

Cheers gorgeous!

Writing for Adventure Authors - How to be a Productive Writer

The Book Launches in just 4 days time and I'm more excited than a baboon with a banana!

A large part of the book is giving you the tools to become a productive and effective writer to write fast and to write well. Today I'm going to share with you an excerpt from Chapter 4 - Writing

Deferral or Doing the Hoovering

Deferral is that feeling of putting off writing because something far more immediate is pressing on your mind. Like the hoovering. Or updating your Facebook status.

Deferral is saying, ‘Oh, I’ll get to the writing later. Let me complete this other task first.’ Only the later never comes and the writing never gets done.

But I have to get the hoovering done. It’s a job that just needs doing.

Ok, but it’s not that the hoovering is more important than writing a book. It’s just that it is right here and now and in your face.

You focus on an immediate goal that can give you immediate results.

In terms of time management this happens all the time, if you’ll excuse the expression.

Think of your biggest life goal? How much of your daily time is spending reaching towards that life goal. Probably almost none. And for that reason many people never achieve success because they focus on fire-fighting the issues of the here and now rather than aiming for the far off targets of their dreams.

There is something in the time-management sphere called the ‘80/20 Rule’ or the Parento Principle. Basically it says that 20% of your activities will result in 80% of your results.

What happens for most people is that they focus on the 80% of trivial tasks that will have limited impact on their life goals rather than the 20% of important tasks that could revolutionise their lives.

I don’t know for certain but I can guess that writing this book might possibly fit into the ‘20% of your life-long important goals’ category.

If that is the case you’ve GOT to focus on it. Here are some ways to make completing your writing an UNAVOIDABLE task.

·         Plan a date with yourself

o   Look at your schedule for tomorrow. When is the best time to sit down and write? Is it last thing at night? Is it first thing in the morning?

·         Stop watching TV

o   If you can’t find any time to write then stop watching TV. In fact, stop watching everything. YouTube. Streaming sites. Catch up. The lot! Think honestly about how much enjoyment you get from watching TV. Does it really inspire you to be a better person? Does it really push you to achieve your life goals? Or do you turn into a brainless sofa-zombie when Big Brother comes on? Think about how much more rewarding in the long run having written a book would be. Think about how incredible you will feel when you can feel that book in your hand. Hell, just think about how amazing you will feel about becoming even a few hundred words closer to your dream.

·         Get up at 5am

o   If you’ve looked at tomorrow and there is no time whatsoever, then get up an hour earlier than you normally would. There are added benefits to this tactic rather than leaving it to the end of the day.

§  The rest of the world is asleep (so you won’t be getting any calls, texts or emails)

§  Your household is quiet (so you can focus)

§  Your brain is still in the flux state of being just woken so is more creative and malleable (this is complete speculation but I believe it!)

§  You will be more productive for the rest of the day because you will be self-satisfied with having already completed a major milestone before the day has even started.

·         Put it in your calendar

o   Make the date official and put it in your calendar. Defend that date as if it were another important engagement like going to the dentist.

·         Schedule time for rewards (like social media)

o   Ok, I know a moment ago that I said that you should stop watching TV but if, like me, you can’t resist an episode of DIY SOS then schedule that in too. If you know Silent Witness is on at 9pm on a Monday night then book yourself in to write from 8pm. The added incentive that you know your partner is going to watch the show without you if you don’t get your writing done will have you smashing your daily word target.

More tips, tricks and tactics to get yourself to finally achieve your goal of writing your adventure book can be found in Writing for Adventure Authors, released from captivity like a wild bear on 1st May. 

Writing for Adventure Authors - Who is Your Nemesis?

Here we are with another excerpt from the book. Today's little teaser comes from Chapter 3 - Planning and we'll be talking about the importance of conflict in a good narrative memoir.

Any story has to have a conflict. I don’t mean that you actually have to go to war (though that could be a pretty incredible Adventure Book) but you have to have one person, the protagonist, who wants to achieve something and someone or something, a nemesis if you will, who is trying to stop them for whatever reason.

The protagonist is probably YOU by the way.

Incidentally, the protagonist and the nemesis could very easily be the same person. Imagine a story about someone doing a skydive. Part of their brain is telling them that throwing themselves out of a perfectly serviceable airplane at 40,000ft is a bonza idea. Another part of their brain is telling them that it’s plainly suicide. Conflict.

Also, the nemesis doesn’t have to be one solitary person. Reading a story about someone breaking past their cultural barriers to go on an adventure is fascinating. That’s not one person the protagonist is fighting against. The nemesis is a whole society.

The nemesis doesn’t even have to be a person. In my first chapter of my book, Jon and Harry’s Year of Microadventure, Harry and I slept out on a January night. The nemesis could have been society with their straight-laced view of sleeping outside during the coldest night of the year. It could’ve been my wife, or the girl at the till in Sainsbury’s who thought we were a bit weird. It could have been our own minds where we dithered about the reasonableness of sleeping under the stars.

But it wasn’t. Our conflict was with the cold of the night.

And a bottle of sloe gin.

You have to have conflict for your story to be of any interest at all. If your adventure was well within your comfort zones, there were no hiccups or problems whatsoever and you achieved your goal without breaking a sweat, it’s hardly going to be the most engaging of stories.

Remember, it’s not necessarily the content of the story that makes it incredible. It’s the conflict.

Imagine you wrote about going down the shops to get a pint of milk. Not too much conflict there.

Now imagine you’ve got to go and buy that pint of milk despite being recently made blind in a freak welding accident. Conflict – your internal fear of going outside alone. Conflict – the actual danger of getting run over on the way to the shops. Conflict – your pent up rage as other people are treating you differently because of your disability.

Immediately your trip to the shops for a pint of milk is an incredible psychological and emotional drama.

So what is your conflict going to be? Is it someone who told you it couldn’t be done? Is it that tiny part of your brain that questions the sanity of your adventure? Is it you against the elements?

If you are the protagonist, who is your nemesis?

Book Launches on 1st May 2018. Get it while it's hot! (Not that eBooks have a physical temperature. It's probably just your Kindle overheating)

Writing for Adventure Authors - Build Your Platform

Writing for Adventure Authors will be available in 8 days (1st May 2018). So you've got an inkling of what you'll actually be 'buying' (it's going to be FREE so you can tell your wallet moths to chill out!) I've decided to share little snippets from the book.

Today it's the turn of Chapter 2 - Build Your Platform. Enjoy!

We’re not building a literal platform here. You can put the hammer and nails down.

Instead we’re going to jump into the marketing.

But, Jon, this book is about WRITING my adventure book. Why isn’t this section in the marketing book?

Because it is paramount that you start the process of platform building AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

(Well, ok. Finish the chapter first, then get on it.)

Building a Platform, as you may be aware, is basically building a community of people around your brand or product that is interested in you and what you have to offer.

Your brand is YOU and your product is YOUR BOOK.

So how do we go about finding people who would be interested in buying your book, and why do this BEFORE we’ve even written the book?

The way we are going to build your platform is through a 3 step process.

1.       Build a website

2.       Create an email list

3.       Engage on social media

The reason we are doing this before you’ve written the book is because it will give you the maximum amount of time to build your platform before your book is due out AND it will give you the kick up the butt to get your book finished on time.

In actual fact, you should probably have started to build your platform BEFORE you even went on your epic adventure, but I’m going to assume you forgot to do that before you drifted off to the other side of the world. You were probably too focused on booking flights, visas and immunisations. That’s fair enough.

If you have a website or are a whizz on social media then feel free to skip ahead. No point wasting your time when you’ve got a serious amount of writing to do.

Website

The first thing you should do is create a place where people can go to find out all about you. This will be your own brand spanking new website.

Woah! Woah! Woah! You want me to create a website?

Yes, I do. Not only will this serve as a place for people to go to potentially buy your book (and in the process give you the best royalties) but it will be where people can learn about you and your adventures. They can get in contact with you directly and you can gain their email and contact them directly too.

But can’t I do all of this through Facebook?

Yes, you could but you don’t own Facebook (unless Mark Zuckerberg is reading this, in which case, could you lend us a tenner?). Facebook doesn’t owe you anything. Facebook is well within its rights to pull down any fan page you make or delete any of the content that you put up.

You’d effectively be giving all of your intellectual property and your ability to make money to a faceless conglomerate and hoping they’ll give you something back in return.

In 2015 Facebook changed their policy on their pages. Business pages and ‘fan pages’ saw a dramatic drop in the number of ‘likes’ they had plus their visibility to their audiences was drastically reduced. Coincidentally, around this time Facebook introduced Facebook Ads where organisations would pay to have their content made more visible to their audience.

Now, I’m not slating Facebook. Mr. Zuckerberg can do whatever the hell he likes. It’s his business after all.

I’d hate for you to become a ‘sucker-berg’ (I'm here all night folks!)

If you want to engage with your audience you need to have your own place. You need your own house that you can invite your potential readers to come and spend some time in. Your own little piece of author paradise. Casa de You. Your Website.

Most authors and bloggers start with a WordPress site...

Writing for Adventure Authors - Know Your Why?

With 10 days to go until the launch of Writing for Adventure Authors (1st May 2018) I thought it might be nice to share a little from each of the chapters.

Today's excerpt is taken from Chapter 1 - The Fundamentals of Book Writing.

So you want to write an Adventure Book.

Why?

What possible purpose would there be for you writing this book? What do you hope to gain from writing your book?

This single question (alright, that was 3 questions. Stop being pedantic) is THE MOST important piece of knowledge that you will have in the writing of your book. To be truthful, if you read this chapter and this chapter alone, you could probably go away and, with a bit of common sense and creativity, write a decent Adventure Book.

(That’s not to say the rest of this book is pointless. It’s definitely worth a goggle!)

Once you’ve established WHY you are writing a book then you can easily work out your ‘WHO?’ ‘WHAT?’ and ‘HOW?’ It’s like the ‘WHY?’ is the key that unlocks the whole writing process and makes something that is unwieldy and unmanageable into something logical and possible.

Here are the most common reasons for writing a book.

‘I want to write a book to reach as many people as possible.’

Or

‘I want to write a book to make as much money as possible.’

Let me just be clear that both of these reasons are absolute garbage!

They’re rubbish because they apply to every writer since some Ancient Egyptian stone mason started scratching pictures of animals on the inside of a pyramid.

(Ok, bad example. He probably didn’t think there were be much of an audience for his hieroglyphic graffiti on the inside of a tomb.)

Who in their right minds writes a book that they intend for no one to read? Who passes up on the opportunity to make a ‘passive income’ from their book?

What is the REAL reason that you want to write this book? Be honest.

You might say:

·         ‘I want to write a book so that I can have it on my shelf at home.’

·         ‘I want to write a book for the enjoyment of writing and for the fulfilment of completing a project.’

·         ‘I want to write a book for a gift for someone. My children for example.’

These are the answers a hobbyist would give. Someone who is writing purely for the joy of writing. These are the sort of people who don’t want to make money out of their books. Mad, I know!

However, there is nothing wrong with these answers. They are clear on what their end goal looks like and they are extremely achievable.

They are also the answers that I gave when I first started writing and self-publishing.

Here are some different answers:

·         ‘I want to write a book to inspire people to get outside on their own adventures.’

·         ‘I want to write a book as a way to invite people into my on-line community / into other products that I have to sell.’

·         ‘I want to write a book as a way of giving myself more recognition in the world of adventure.’

·         ‘I want to write a book as a calling card to get more speaking gigs.’

Now we’re getting somewhere. These are the responses of a professional who is looking to further their career. They are for people striving to build their audience and sell more products.

These are the answers that I NOW give when asked what is my ‘WHY?’.

Here are some final ideas:

·         ‘I want to write a book as a first step into a career as an author.’

·         ‘I want to write a book to improve my writing craft and story-telling.’

·         ‘I want to write a book to make £10,000 or to sell 5,000 books on the launch week.’

·         ‘I want to write a book to become an Amazon category bestseller.’

·         ‘I want to write a book to win a literary award.’

Again, all legitimate answers.

What is your reason for writing a book? Be honest with yourself. If you’re not honest with yourself now then you’ll be wasting your time later rewriting stuff to try and achieve your ‘WHY?’

It’s absolutely fine if you have more than one reason.

Come on Pinnochio, fess up. What’s your ‘WHY?’

Guest Post - Amber Farrington author of 'The London Hustler'

Amber Farrington is my first Adventure Author student to self-publish their book. 'The London Hustler' hit the metaphorical shelves on the 5th April 2018. It's a guide to naïve expats arriving in London for the first time. Through a combination of brutally honest stories from her own experiences as a new arrival fresh off the plane and top tips and money saving recommendations, Amber manages to educate the reader so that they don't just survive in London, but thrive without breaking the bank. Here's Amber to explain it in her own words...

Amber Farrington - Author

How Publishing my first book was both harder and easier than I imagined

Moving to London was a Baptism of Fire for me. I was convinced I was “supposed” to be here, but initially I found very little to be excited about and really just wanted to return home to Australia. Hitting these lows actually became the turning point in my London journey and through hustling, researching and lots of determination, my journey began to turn around.  There was something within me saying that there simply MUST be a better way. It shouldn’t be this hard to adapt to life in London. Well, I was right, and this search for a ‘better way’ resulted in me unearthing some very crafty ways to make life here a lot better. Money savers were my biggest achievements – from free rent to free hair cuts, cheap meals, free exercise classes, even the best travel currency cards! But I also discovered how to meet new like-minded friends, tapping into various groups, networks and events. I also found many ways to save on travel and maximise your experience – and even overcame my homesickness. I found it equally comforting and disturbing to hear that so many other new-arrivals in London were experiencing very similar (if not the EXACT SAME) struggles. Once I had learnt all this, it just seemed rather obvious to put all my solutions into a book to share with others. 

I began writing and over time the book began to take shape. Enter Jon Doolan.  He responded very helpfully to a question I had posed in the Yes Tribe Facebook group and from that point on – like it or not – I appointed him my unofficial Editor/Mentor/Teacher. I often wondered if he regretted answering that post after I spent the following few months peppering him with questions! He very patiently and chronologically walked me through step-by-step all of the tasks I needed to complete – from setting up a website and mailing list, to starting the marketing, to editing, formatting, engaging test readers and so on. It’s fair to say that without his guidance, I may never have achieved my goal of getting this baby published.

I will never forget the first time I got my manuscript back from an edit. My heart sank – not because the criticism was harsh or off the mark, but quite the opposite. Everything listed was things that I had known I had been a bit lazy with, or once pointed out, agreed that it could be improved or altered. My heart sank because I realised although I had the makings of a good book, if I wanted to publish something I was truly proud of, there was more work to be done! I experienced this same sinking feeling every time I sent the book off to another friend or test-reader to review. Your eye naturally skims past the start of their message about how they loved it and straight away jumps to all the suggested improvements! I became very good at gratefully accepting constructive feedback though, because each time (despite the extra work it created) I felt my book was becoming better and more refined... like chipping away the carbon to get to the diamond. And of course not all feedback you have to action – ultimately it was my baby and I could dress it how I saw fit! But most of the time I did accept and apply the suggestions, because we all know that the longer you spend with your baby, the more you think it is the most beautiful baby in the ward and objectivity goes WAY out the window 😉

After all of this though, the actual process of publishing seemed rather simple. You just upload your manuscript and cover, set your categories and price and submit! Four hours later and you get an email from Amazon that your book is now live, published and available for download! “Have I really done this?” I thought cheekily. I actually had a bit of a “Catch me if you can” moment... you know where Leonardo DiCaprio just puts the pilot uniform on and they let him fly a plane! Is there no one checking that I am qualified to officially be an “Author”? I guess this is the benefit of modern self-publishing route – there is no-one behind the counter assessing your credentials or checking references - not even a sobriety test is involved! Feeling proud, accomplished, and a touch audacious, I can now proudly accept that I am indeed a Published Author.

Amber's book is available exclusively on Amazon now. Go check it out and leave her a lovely review while your at it. 

The Importance of Reviews

I'm going to ask you to do something today.

I want you to go on to Amazon right now and search for your FAVOURITE book of all time.

Then I want you to leave a review.

You'd think that this one small act does nothing other than polish the already inflated ego of the author. 

You'd be wrong.

Reviews Matter

On Amazon (and to a lesser extent on other online retail platforms) the humble book review takes on a whole new persona. Reviews have a significant impact on a book's ranking within Amazon. The more reviews a book has the higher its ranking is. The higher the ranking the more visible to customers the book becomes.

This happens because Amazon likes to promote popular books to their readers. They are a big company out to make as much money out of their punters as possible.

So if, for example, you are buying Running Light by Craig Williams (a book on the Marathon Des Sables), then Amazon are likely to recommend other popular books on that topic (including Running in the Shadows by Mark Roe and Heat by Ranulph Fiennes).

Amazon know that if someone is going to buy a book in a specific genre, they can eke more smackers out of them if they recommend other highly ranked books on that same topic.

If your book has a high ranking then it is very likely to be among the ‘Also boughts’ or ‘Frequently bought togethers’ or ‘Recommended based on…’.

Try it out with your favourite Adventure Book. What other books pop up when you type the title into the search bar?

Reviews also hold social validation among readers.

Readers read the reviews. They actually take into consideration the views of other people, including you! I bet you've read the reviews more than once yourself. Reviews give readers the peer validation that they are looking for. 'Other people like it so I might give it a try' thinking.

So you're little review may not mean a lot to you but it means a bundle to other readers and means so SO SO much more to the author of the book.

Trust me on this one.

Oh, and while we are here I'm going to ask another favour. If you really like a book and you think your friends would like it too, don't give them your copy of the book.

Buy a copy of the book for them!

You've just read an incredible book that an author has spend months, maybe years putting together. If the book is that good that you are recommending it to a friend, why not reward the talented author at the same time. Drop a couple of quid in their pocket by buying the book and gifting it to your bestie.

Now, I'm not saying that you should go and do that right now with my book (I mean, you could if you wanted to. I'm not going to stop you), but you definitely should do it with your favourite book. You know, the one that inspired you to change your life. The one that made you think about the world in a completely different way.

The one written by a human being somewhere who could do with your validation of a book review and might benefit from a handful of dollars dropping into their bank account for all their hard work.

Just saying.

Great British Spring Clean

How the melting snow left me with a drive for change

This week the UK was hit by the ‘Beast from the East’. In other words it snowed, predictably bringing the British infrastructure to a grinding halt. Schools closed. Trains were cancelled. Crashes and breakdowns caused chaos on the roads. It was basically the end of the world.

Unless you were a small girl who wanted to go and play in the snow.

In which case you donned more layers than a cake on the Great British Bake Off and pulled on your toughest boots. With a scarf wrapped round your neck and a hat popped on your head you were out the door exploring this great white wonderland.

The fact that she started singing Christmas songs was a little anachronistically askew but the sentiment was definitely true. We were dashing through the snow on a one horse (one Daddy) open sleigh (IKEA tea tray with a guy rope tied through it). 

The day was brilliant. We made a snowman that was bigger than she was. We sledged down hills whooping with joy. We threw snowballs at each other and built an igloo for her toy rabbit.

And why was I so enthusiastic to get out in the snow? Because I’d looked at the forecast for the following day and it was 7 degrees centigrade and rain. For us and the snow it was now or never.

Because, and here is the most obvious fact of the day, snow melts.

And once it’s gone, it’s gone. You’ve got to make the most of it while it is here, which is sort of the philosophy I hope that I carry forward in my life.

But today’s blog isn’t about some metaphysical Carpe Diem paradigm. It’s about what happens when the snow melts. When the perfect white world that you have been surrounded in suddenly becomes dirty again. The trees are back to their muddy brown and the limp dead grass looks a shade of green not dissimilar to bile.

But the thing that I noticed the most, once the last flake had melted away, was the inordinate amount of litter in my local neighbourhood. Every hedge was clustered with garbage. Plastic bags clutched to tree branches. Discarded rubbish scattered at the side of the road.

I was so disgusted that I decided to do something about it.

So I ordered some litter pickers and some biodegradable plastic bin bags off of the internet. And when they arrive, the Sprog and I are going to return to the scene of our sledging excitement and we’re going to put right what our species has got so wrong and pick up the litter that we have strewn everywhere. We’re going to pick litter on the walk to school. We’re going to pick litter on the way to the park.

Basically, in the style of John Wayne, Dogunnit, we’re gonna clean up this here town.

If you are interested in cleaning up your local neighbourhood, have a search for a litter group near you. If you (or someone you know) is a kid then point them towards the inspirational Meek girls, Amy and Ella, over at their site Kids Against Plastic. If you’re female then check out the eXXpedition crew. And if you are neither female or a kid (or are both, or in fact any combination of gender and age) then how about supporting the Keep Britain Tidy scheme Great British Spring Clean which is happening all March.

Thanks for being amazing!

Cover Competition - Writing for Adventure Authors

How YOU could influence the design of my new book!!

My new book, Writing for Adventure Authors, is coming out soon and I am coming towards the final stages of design. I've got 3 covers.

• Which do you like the best?
• If you like the picture form one, but the format from another and the font from a third I'd love to know what Frankenstein book cover design you would create!!

Which cover pops out at you? Which one is screaming 'Buy me!!'? Which cover conveys the fact that this book is about Writing... for people who have been on an adventure... who want to write a book?

I'd love your feedback. You can comment below if you like. THANKS!!!

The Most Epic Den EVER!

How my best mate, Harry, and I went to a forest to build the best Den we've EVER created.

Ok, so it wasn't a patch on this guy...

But it was still pretty impressive for us.

No, leaning a big stick against a tree for us or piling some cushions in the sitting room (which is pretty much the extent of our den building skills). Our shelter was custom built and fully self-supported.

First we decided on our build site. A clear spot on the East side of the woods to avoid the cold westerly winds that were scheduled to blow in later that evening. It also meant that we had the potential of a wonderful sunrise if the weather held out.

Contruction began when we cleared the ground with a shovel, ensuring and pesky baby stingy nettles were removed from out camp area. Then we buried four solid, forked uprights and then balanced long beams between them. Next we spent over 2 hours cutting shorter lengths to lean against the cross beams. Crikey, it was tedious. Then I randomly found a well developed bamboo plant deeper in the forest so we cut short lengths to ask as bases for our beds (to raise us further off of the wet and cold dirt floor) and used the leaves as a cover for the outside of the shelter.

By the end it looked like we'd built a shelter in the middle of the Mekong Delta rather than a woodland in rural Dorset.

The leaves, which I thought were purely decorative as they would have offered no rain cover whatsoever, actually did a really good job of reflecting the heat from our small campfire back at us. Snuggled into our cramped sleeping area we started cooking dinner.

We'd both be christening our Christmas presents. Harry had received a Cobb BBQ from his dad and I'd be given a Dutch Oven by my highly generous brother.

We had half a chicken each and a handful of vegetables and we chucked them into our various cooking contraptions. I dribbled a little water into the cast iron pot that I'd collected from a nearby water trough and hung the 'oven' over the fire from a tripod. Harry balanced all of his ingredients inside the silver dome of his barbie and put it to one side to do its magic.

An hour and a half later, and having only knocked the Dutch oven in the fire once, I opened the lid of the pot to find a wonderfully succulent chicken surrounded by blackened and burnt potatoes and leeks. We'd forgotten cutlery so used short lengths of bamboo as chopsticks to tuck into the meat and crispy tatties.

Another 2 hours later and Harry's chicken was done, by which time we weren't hungry any more. To say that his half of the chicken was SLOW-roasted is like saying that snail racing is a patient man's sport.

• Dutch Oven - 1

• Cobb BBQ - 0

Anyway, we were well fed and tucked into our respective bivvies for what, we agreed in the morning, was one of the most comfortable nights wild camping ever. Even though the temperature dropped to -2 outside our camp and the field beyond the hedge was covered in frost by morning, inside our little shelter we enjoyed the reflective warmth of a fire that just needed a little poke and re-stoke every couple of hours or so.

We felt like children making a den in the forest but by morning we were refreshed and happy adults ready to return to adult life. In fact, I wish that I'd done more of this sort of den building and wild camping when I was a kid.

What's the biggest and best den you've ever built. I'd love to find out in the comments below. If you have photos even better.

BOOK REVIEW - Leon McCarron - The Land Beyond

I wouldn’t say that The Land Beyond was my type of book. I’m a big fan of ridiculous challenges for no obvious point, people pushing themselves beyond endurance and a good old fashioned poo story. I like frivolity and ridiculousness and maybe even a fancy dress costume.

This book is none of these.

Unless you count walking 1,000 miles through possibly the world’s most volatile territories as being a ridiculous challenge.

But for Leon, it never seems to be. He barely moans about the blisters on his feet or the weight of his pack (even when his walking partner, Dave Cornthwaite, adds a kilo of sweets to it).

And though there is an undercurrent of distrust with their neighbours the people he meets are unanimously kind and courteous towards him.

And when there is the perfect opportunity to tell a poo story he is completely blasé about it.

No, I wouldn’t say that this was my usual type of Travel Book at all.

It’s a serious book seriously assessing the impact of the illegal actions of the state of Israel in Palestine and the placid and peaceful people of Jordan and the seemingly eternal wisdom and tradition of the Bedouin tribesmen. It’s definitely serious. There’s even a numbered reference section at the back.

But I loved it. I really did. I don’t know what it was about it. It reminded me of reading textbooks at university. Not the boring ones. The fascinating ones where you feel like you’re actually learning something of significance.

The book delves deeply into the geopolitical and socio-economical ramifications of having a bloody great wall along the West Bank. It explores the juxtaposition of the major Abrahamic faiths living in peace alongside the intense feeling of rage and fear that was palpable across the region. It definitely doesn’t shy away from the difficult topics.

Somehow, however, it managed to keep me enthralled from beginning to end. His almost poetic style of writing drew me in with his descriptions of wadis and mountains and rivers and valleys. His insightful observations of his fellow travellers and the locals he meets along the way makes them stand up from the page like living, breathing flesh.

I guarantee that this book will stand the test of time as a first hand account of the situation in the Middle East.

Intense, educational and mesmerizing.

A Walk in the Ancient Woods - Writing with the Senses

Robins setting among the holly. Pigeons and crows take flight at my passing. Squirrels scamper among the tree roots, chasing each other in a wild game of tag, bounding along the floor. Kites soar over the treetops.

The solid crunch of wet leaves. Twigs snapping underfoot. Fungus quietly clinging to a fallen silver birch, old twisted limbs and exposed muddy roots. Windswept.

A sense of solitude but never alone. A part of this wild world and yet always separate. Lost but always here.

Planes and cars rudely intrude. Never too far away.

Bright morning sunshine slicing through the branches. Cool afternoon rain falling gently on the ground.

Two trees, an oak and an ash, intertwined in an eternal mossy embrace. A fallen branch, dead but regenerating. Stones trapped, growing within the wood. Pools of water caught in the hollows. 

Tweets and twitters echoing around my head. The smell of spruce fills the air.

The Adventure Travel Show 2018 – A Review

Why You Don’t Need to Travel to have an Adventure

On Saturday 20th January 2018 the Adventure Travel Show rolled into town for its 22nd outing.

With headliners like the legendary Ranulph Fiennes and talks from adventurers like Pip Stewart, Jim McNeill, Justine Gosling and a whole host of others I knew I was in for a treat.

What was that? £25 for 'An Audience with Ranulph Fiennes'? You kidding me right? I'm not coughing up a pony just to listen to one guy when all the other adventurers are free to go and see. My plan was to make this as cheap as possible.

Last year I attended with disastrous results.

This year was going to be different.

For a start I actually knew some people who were attending. I was volunteering on the Say Yes More stall with the gorgeous Emma and her crack team of Yessers. In between darting off to attend seminars and listen to talks I’d answer the question ‘What exactly is this Yes Tribe thing anyway?’ to countless members of the paying public (Ok, maybe not countless. Probably more like 12 people). In exchange I was going to be paid in pastries and sandwiches. Seems a fair trade to me.

I’d also be far more prepared this year. I'd booked a seminar called an ‘Introduction to Travel Writing’ as an early Christmas present. I didn’t know what to expect but when I found out the presentation was from one of my favourite UK adventurer authors, Phoebe Smith, and the the Editor-in-Chief of Wanderlust magazine, Lyn Hughes, I knew I was in for a treat.

The seminar was geared mainly towards writing for magazines but there was a mild dabble into book writing. Shortly before the end the 6 foot 4 gangly frame of Leon McCarron walked in the room. I had literally just finished reading the Northen Irishman’s new book, The Land Beyond, a couple of days before Thursday (book review coming soon).

It’s funny how even being stood in the close vicinity of two professional adventure authors makes my knees go a bit wobbly and a inane grin spread across my face. It didn’t stop me asking for a shameless selfie though.

The seminar was ok. I mean, I knew a lot of it already but I did pick up enough tips on book-writing to realise that my most recent endeavour will need a serious amount of editing! (Apparently I should stop using exclamation marks!!!)

The biggest tip of the day – Write for the reader.

I managed to catch a few more presentations in between explaining why Dave Cornthwaite, despite not having a driving licence, owns a bright blue bus called Bussy.

I caught Leon’s talk on his walk but, to be honest, I’d seen it before in a pub in Piccadilly.

I saw Dave lead a panel on what it takes to be an adventurer, with an interesting question on the most interesting place they’d taken a dump thrown in for good measure.

But the best talk of the day that I saw was Catherine Edsell who described her problems embracing an adventurous life while bringing up two fabulous girls. I’d met Catherine at Yestival but had missed her talk. I’d seen her TedX talk on Youtube (which you should definitely watch). The most exciting part was when she described how she took her young girls to Thailand at the ages of 4 and 6 to look after pachyderms at an elephant sanctuary for 4 weeks.

The Sprog has just turned 4. I wonder…

The day was rounded off by a visit to the Adventure Auditorium for a night of adventure films with Austin Vince from the Adventure Travel Film Festival.

If I’m honest, a couple of the films were average at best. I mean, some of my videos when I’ve dicked around with my best mate, Harry, are better. Case in point.

However, there were 2 films that for me stood out as incredible. The first was a short video of a guy walking around Chenobyl. The shots were cleverly crafted with the music and depth of field was used with brilliant effect.

The second film was the feature film. It was an hour long but had me mesmerised from the start. It’s called Dugout by the Trail To Anywhere. 2 lads, Ben and James, went to the wilderness of the Amazon to build a dugout canoe with a local dude. 4 weeks later they paddled their canoe back to civilisation. The film was superb, mixing atmospheric shots of butterflies or rainfall with shots of the Ben and James dicking around (sounds just like me and Harry!) You really felt a connection with Bay, the local canoe builder and the 2 boys.

The film festival came to a close but that wasn’t the end of it.

We all convened in a local pub where I shared a drink with Ben and James, Austin, Dave, Leon and a whole host of Yes Tribers, old friends and new. I even got talking to Global Convoy, a super enthusiastic group of twenty-somethings that had just driven a pair of clapped out old cars around the world and were speaking the next day. These are definitely a bunch of nutters to keep your eye on.

The evening was drawing late but I was too full of the adventure bug, so I took a stroll through Kensington down to Hyde Park where, overlooking the Serpentine, I threw down my bivvy and slept the night.

I love how I can say that so nonchalantly now (though I suppose bringing attention to it stops it being nonchalant). I’d planned to sleep out somewhere and kipping in Hyde Park less than a hundred metres away from where I had my second ever Microadventure seemed appropriate.

I woke in the morning after a cold night (the sleeping bag shuffle was used more than once), packed up my gear and headed home.

What a brilliant and cheap weekend. Other than the seminar ticket (£34) and the film ticket (£25) and the tube to Woodford and back where I’d parked the car I’d managed to be fed all day Saturday and even have a place to sleep. For a London night out, that’s not bad at all.

That was until I got back to my car!!!

Why Adventurer Laura Try is Wrong!

My Reasons Why New Year’s Resolutions are Amaze-balls.

Ok, New Year Resolution number one. Never use the term Amaze-balls again!

So I was reading the incredible Laura Try’s blog from last week about how New Year’s Resolutions are basically for sappy useless buggers who need to wait til 1st January to make a positive improvement in their lives.

Now normally I agree whole heartedly with LT about a lot of her posts. Her blog on loneliness in particular is extremely impactful.

However, on the case of the New Year’s Resolution I think she’s got it more wrong than those weird people who think that a dog licking their face is cute.

It’s not cute by the way. It’s disgusting. I’ve just watched him eat his own faeces and lick his balls. If you want that sort of thing spread all over your face then you are one sick puppy!

Anyway, I personally think the tradition of the New Year’s Resolution is the dog’s bollocks, to use an appropriate colloquialism. New Year is fast becoming my 3rd favourite holiday (after Christmas and Halloween. I love dressing up and scary the local kids. Actually, maybe I’m the sicko!). I don’t love New Year’s for the fireworks, the drinking, the parties or even because it’s the one night of the year we can stay up until midnight and not feel guilty.

In fact, New Year’s Eve this year involved forcing ourselves to stay up ‘til 12, drinking an obligatory glass of stale champagne in front of the fireworks on TV and then going to bed. I think it was 12.05am when my head hit the pillow.

No. New Year’s Eve is shit.

New Year’s Day, on the other hand, is fantastic.

It’s a day of new beginnings. New hopes and dreams. A whole year of unknown excitement spread out before me like a red carpet. Actually, it’s more like lots of red carpets and I can choose which carpet to follow based on my life choices.

I absolutely LOVE New Year’s Day!

LT’s main argument for New Year’s Resolutions being a load of tosh was based around the fact that most people don’t complete them.

While I can’t argue with that fact, it doesn’t mean that New Year’s Resolutions themselves are bad. It just means people make the wrong ones or people are just as weak-willed as a cake-aholic in a Patisserie Valerie.

The point of a New Year’s Resolution is that it lasts a whole YEAR. The clue’s in the name. What most people do is create a New Year’s Resolution and then only envisage themselves completing it up to Feb. It’s no surprise then that one month later they're back on the booze and fags, NYR in tatters and soon forgotten. If you created a New Year’s Resolution and you imagined yourself breaking the resolution on 1st January the following year, you're more likely to complete the whole year.

People also create ridiculously unachievable resolutions, like ‘I want to run every day’. Or non-specific resolutions like ‘I want to lose weight’. If you make a realistic Resolution and are absolutely clear on what consitutes success and what constitutes failure then you’re much more likely to stick to it, purely because you know what it is that you are sticking to.

Also, hand-in-hand with the 'success or failure' theme, is another place where lots of people fall down. If you promise to never eat biscuits and then on the 15th Jan you scoff a hobnob, that doesn’t mean that you have failed the Resolution. It just means that you have had an off day. Don’t do what most people do and think ‘bugger the bloody Resolution’ before devouring their body weight in McVities biscuits.

It’s ok to have an off day.

An Olympic athlete might not perform to the best of their ability on one or two of their training sessions. It doesn’t mean they give up their dream of an Olympic Gold Medal to sit on the sofa watching 'Loose Women' and eating pork pies.

As long as you don’t have 365 off days!

If, for example, you say ‘I want to lose a stone’ then, with the right framework, you will complete your Resolution. You’ve got 1 year to achieve your goal.

And that’s the key. You have a whole year to achieve your target, so if you cock up in January, you still have 11 months to put it right.

So, I agree in part with LT who questioned whether you needed to wait until Big Ben finished chiming to start making positive steps in your life, but I also think that New Year’s Resolutions can have a MASSIVE impact on your plans for year IF you create the Resolution in the right way and follow through with the will-power of a Catholic Priest.

One of the good ones, not those ones you hear about on the news.

New Year's Resolutions are brilliant and it doesn't matter if you make a mistake every once in a while. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that New Year's Resolutions are Amaze-balls!

(Ah bollocks!)

More Blogs on New Year's Resolutions

New Year's Resolution Man - the results

How I Completed a Full New Year's Resolution

In January I took on a handful of New Year's Resolutions. Some were more successful than others. Some raised some eyebrows more than others. Here is a run down of my successes and failures.

1) No Alcohol

Other than a Raspberry and Prosecco cheesecake I have only drunk on 4 occasions this year. 3 days were during my best mate's wedding in Thailand. The other was my leaving drinks at work.

'You have to drink, Jon. It's your leaving drinks,' urged my friend Laura at work. 'What would it take for you to drink?'

'I dunno. One hundred pounds.'

'Done!'

So they dressed me up as a banana, handcuffed me to the student teacher and made me walk around the pub with a bucket round my neck until I'd raised £100.

In twenty minutes I had a bucket of cash (I donated the total to a sports injury charity. I was a PE teacher after all) and spent the rest on shots at the bar. I end up throwing up on my shoes and being carried home by Laura. She did quite well as she's about 5ft 2. 

The next morning I got up, caught the train home and went to play a rugby match. It was the last match I ever played as I was knocked unconscious. When I woke up I didn't know where I was or how I'd got there.

Alcohol is seriously bad for your health!

2) No Smoking

Easy. I don't smoke!

3) No Chocolate

Also easy as I'm not a big fan of chocolate. The only chocolate I ate all year was a chocolate twist from Costa Coffee on the morning of my Inflatable Crocodile adventure. I thought it was raisins.

4) No Crisps

Not a single crisp has passed my lips this year. Unless you count nachos. Are nachos crisps or are they a meal?

5) No Cake

Cheesecake. Is that a cake? Or is it cheese? Also, pastries aren't cakes so I just ate loads of croissants instead.

6) No Sweets

Not a big fan of sweets either. Easy peasy!

7) No Plastic water bottles

I haven't bought a single plastic water bottle all year. I HAVE on the odd occasion bought plastic fizzy drinks bottles but only when I couldn't get cans or cartons. This was especially true on my cross Thailand cycle. Those guys just love plastic!

8) No Plastic Carrier Bags

I bought only 2 plastic bags all year. Also, why does the old dear at Tesco insist on putting the raw chicken in an extra plastic bag when it is already sealed in plastic?

9) No Texting while Driving

Other than while sat stationary at traffic lights or in heavy traffic I've been good at not texting. I have still been distracted by my phone, satnav, loudly shouting wife in the passenger seat so this is something that I need to continue to improve on.

10) No Intentionally Speeding

Every time I have broken the speed limit accidentally I have forced myself to slow down. Except while overtaking on motorways. I still need to ignore that bastard tail-gating me at 80mph. 

This resolution actually stopped me getting a speeding ticket. I was driving through Hereford one time earlier in the year and would've been flashed by a mobile police unit if I hadn't been desperately trying to slow down to get under the speed limit at the time. Result!

11) Learn the Guitar

I can play 3 Irish tunes ('Whiskey in the Jar', 'Fields of Athenry' and 'Green fields of France') to some degree. I performed them at a family session that I organised in Ireland in the summer.

12) Learn the Unicycle

This I absolutely failed at as I never got the bloody wheel pumped up. I completely forgot it was in the garage for 10 months of the year!

13) 20 Press ups a day

Stopped this challenge in February. It's bloody hard to DO something. It's so much easier to NOT DO something (e.g. not eat sweets)

14) 20 Sit ups a day

See above

Overall a mixed bag of results but I think I've done ok.

I didn't really miss anything and I think I've made myself / the world slightly better with my choices and actions. But at least now the pressure is off and I can do what I want.

Come the first of Jan you'll find me in driving my car at 90 miles an hour, smoking a cigar, eating my way through a box of Quality Streets and a tube of Pringles while furiously fiddling with my phone.

That's not a euphemism!

What's your New Year's Resolutions for 2018? Let me know in the comments below!

Stealing from the Poor

How I created a reverse advent calendar and failed to give it away to a food bank

Christmas is all about giving, right?! 

So how come every morning during the first half of December thousands of people open a tiny cardboard door and TAKE a small chunk of reformed chocolate to supplement their breakfast?

Why is it that all these people are RECEIVING an unnecessary and unhealthy energy injection while thousands of people can't even afford to feed their family the basics?

That's why this year I refrained from buying myself an excessively overpriced and ridiculously over packaged bar of Cadbury's. It'd only hang smugly in my kitchen waiting for me to take 25 days to unwrap it anyway.

Instead, I decided to join a band of about 200 souls who have clubbed together as the 'Reverse Advent Calendar' group on Facebook.

The group of selfless warriors was led by the enigmatic Henry C. Blanchard (him of the NaNoWriMo writing group from November) and his enchanting partner Julia Fernando. The aim was to collect together 25 pieces of regular shopping that was desperately needed by food banks up and down the country. From tins of tuna to toilet roll. From cereal to soup. From pasta sauce to shower gel. These items would be collected together before being carted off to the local food bank just before Christmas.

Our Reverse Advent Calendar stash!

The Sprog and I threw our collection of tinned tomatoes and toothpaste into a cardboard box and rushed it down to the food bank in Harlow. We arrived with about 3 minutes before they shut and the kindly man there took the box of bits and bobs off of my hands. 

He was an old man.

White beard.

Big belly.

Kinda reminded me of someone...

Just kidding. He was a scrawny dude in a trendy flat cap and tight jeans.

With a big triumphant smile on my face I drove the Sprog home. Trying to explain in a 4-year old's terms why we'd just given a box of shopping to a random retro hipster in the rundown 'Rainbow Centre' was a challenge but I think I got the message across. 

Anyway, we got home and told the missus about our good deed. It was only later, while checking under the tree I noticed I'd not been especially thorough in collecting the odds and ends.

Tucked behind the leg of the fake Christmas tree was an errant bottle of shampoo.

How the hell had I left that vital piece of the wash kit behind? 

I glanced at my watch. There would be no time to rush back down to the food bank with this single item. It would have been a complete waste of petrol. And besides, the food bank was already closed.

Bugger!

So I did what any sane person would do.

I stole it!!

I took that bottle of shampoo that was bought specifically for those less fortunate than myself and I put it in the shower.

I'd failed at the Reverse Advent Calendar. Someone somewhere would be walking round with a greasy head of hair due to my ineptitude and selfishness while I can run my fingers through locks as silky soft as a puppy on Pedigree Chum. 

However, I didn't fail at inspiring my daughter to think of Christmas as a celebration of giving. When it came to present open time on Christmas morning, the first thing she wanted to do was give her crazily wrapped gift to her mum rather than open her own boxes.

(In fact, it's the one in the picture above with the red wrapping. She wrapped it all herself!)

It was my proudest moment of the whole Christmas holiday. 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

The Barbie Doll Dilemma

What would you do?

You ask your Sprog what they are going to write in their FIRST EVER letter to Father Christmas and they say they want a Barbie.

To say I'm not a fan of Barbie is like saying I'm not a fan slavery, genocide or marzipan (I mean, seriously. Who invented a cake topping that tastes like cyanide!?). 

Let me list the things that I don't like about Barbie:

1. She perpetuates a completely unrealistic body image.
2. She is clinically anorexic.
3. She is massively over concerned with fashion and the way she looks.
4. In fact some of her clothes are just plain inappropriate for a 4 year old to be playing with.
5. She's portrayed as a complete bimbo (past representations have uttered such phrases as "Math is tough!" and "I love shopping!")
6. Oh, and she's plastic!

Barbie stood next to a figure that was created using the average measurements of a 19 year old US girl (Source: Children's Media specialist Dr. Rebecca Hains)

The only decent Barbie I know needs a couple of shrimps thrown on it by a stereotypical Fosters swigging Ozzie.

No, there's no way I'm getting the Sprog a Barbie!!

But here's my dilemma. The Barbie is quite literally the only thing that she has asked for. I've tried to explain to her that Barbie it too skinny and being too skinny is bed because it will make you poorly. She's just not getting it. 

I don't blame her. Trying to comprehend anorexia at the age of 3 is quite a tall task.

Why don't they make action figures out of real role models? Why can't I get a Anna McNuff doll or a tiny Sarah Outen figure complete with a model sea kayak? Why can't you buy a model replica of Malala?

In fact, you can!

Sort of.

I searched online and found this awesome site where they'd taken the hideously deformed Bratz dolls and repainted and re-clothed them to make them into real role models. From JK Rowling to Jane Goodall. 

But these aren't real dolls. They still have the abnormally small wrists and ankles and massive heads. Can you seriously imagine meeting one of these creatures if they were life size. You'd think we'd been invaded by aliens (actually that's not a terrible idea for a science fiction book).

And you can't buy these online. You actually have to create them yourself.

But what if you could buy a realistically shaped doll for a real positive female role model? Wouldn't that be incredible!

Until that day I'm still stuck with the Barbie dilemma.

So, if you have any clues as to which way I should turn, please comment below. I've got four days to make the decision one way or another!!

Book Review: Pants of Perspective by Anna McNuff

Anna is not just some ordinary endurance adventurer. She is a story teller. She describes the majesty of the mountain views, the ecstasy of running barefoot along a beach in the middle of nowhere and the jubilation at being taken into the hearts of friends old and new.

She evokes the terrible lows of loneliness, the pain and frustration of injury and the fear of getting lost all alone in a forest.

From the heights of a precarious wrong turn on a mountain ridge to the lows of sleeping next to a dead seagull this book takes you on an almighty rollercoaster of emotions.

Anna also explains her coping mechanisms for the enormity of the challenge.

·         Denial - It’s not 3,000km, honest!

·         The Cheerleaders keeping the Soldiers of Self-doubt at bay (she’s clearly bonkers!)

·         And finally, the fabled Pants of Perspective. A Unicorn and a robot doing battle in front of a rainbow with a backdrop of stars. How can you be depressed when you are wearing those leggings?

They’re definitely leggings, Anna. Not pants. But I suppose the Leggings of Longing wouldn’t have had the same impact.

*spoiler alert*

If a travel memoir wasn’t enough, there is also a love story subplot that runs throughout. Adventurer Jamie McDonald (author of Adventureman) features heavily, like an anchor, in the book. The ‘will they, won’t they’ plot line is kind of ruined by the fact that they are both now travelling round Canada together in a family wagon affectionately called Momma Bear. It would have been a bit of an awkward journey if they weren’t an item.

·         Anna – ‘I’ve just written a book.’

·         Jamie – ‘Great. Do I feature in it?’

·         Anna – ‘Yeah, you’re my love interest!’

·         Jamie – ‘Oh, this is awkward. I was hoping we’d just be friends. By the way, do you fancy spending the next 3 months living in a campervan with me?’

Luckily they’re fully loved up so it’s all good.

But by far the greatest achievement in the book is the emotional engagement that Anna is able to produce. She holds nothing back. It feels like her tears are literally etched into the page. Her self-aware emotional analysis demonstrates her personal strength and acute observational skills. Her candour in her fragile state at times speaks volumes about her as a person.

Here is an author who wears her heart on her sleeve and writes with her soul.

Get her book on Amazon here

I can’t wait for the next one to come out.

Regrets

A contemplative post about the regrets in my life

Now I don't have many regrets.

For starters I can't regret anything that I had no say in.

• I can't regret Chloe, my black cat which I had when I was 12, getting run over outside my house. I couldn't have controlled that.
• I can't regret the fact that when I was 15 I tore my ear during a rugby trials match for the Dorset and Wiltshire county team, which resulted in me being carted to hospital and missing a place on the squad. I couldn't have controlled that.
• I can't regret the rain falling on my head or the flow of a river or the turning of the earth. I have no control over any of those things.

The only thing I can regret is the decisions I've made.

However, looking back, every choice I've taken over the last 33 years has been consciously made for a specific reason. At the time, for whatever reason, I chose to take one direction over another.

Now some of those decisions I can look back in hindsight and decide that I'd made the wrong decision.

• Like when I was 18 and I tried to slide across the floor of a nightclub in Crete during a foam party. I've still got the scars where my hip bones scraped against the rough floor.
• Or the time I was 16 and decided to leave a house party without looking where I was going. In front of a room full of friends (who were way cooler than me) I walked straight into a closed patio door.
• Or my fashion sense at any point between about 1995 and... well today if I'm honest.

I've come to notice a theme.

It seems that every time I make a decision I regret, it's because I'm thinking about what other people are thinking of me. I'm far too conscious of what's cool and what's not cool.

Thankfully as I've grown older I've realised it doesn't matter that I'm about as cool as a pink hairdryer on the highest heat setting.

Being uncool is the new cool anyway.

Also, I'm a dad so I've got full licence to be as uncool as possible. I fully intend to be as uncool and embarrassing to the Sprog as possible as the years push forward.

All in all, I seem to have got better at making decisions not based around what other people think is cool, but what I think is the right thing to do. I've become more confident in trusting my own instincts.

Which leads me to the reason I am posting this blog today. On Sunday we had the biggest snow dump in South East England for the last 4 or 5 years. It was brilliant! Sadly, as the week went on I watched the snow slowly melt.

Yesterday I realised I had a choice:

I could either stay inside and do some work at my laptop or I could go for a walk in the snow.

I knew I should go out and get some cold fresh air. The sun was shining. The birds were singing. I could've taken some awesome pictures and enjoyed the crisp clean air.

Obviously, like a prize idiot, I chose to stay indoors.

I regret my decision.

Today it has rained all morning and the snow has melted. FML.

Lesson learned - do what you know in your heart is the right thing to do. Don't do the easy thing. Do what is hard and meaningful.