How I’m spending the year actually fulfilling my New Year’s resolutions (as best as I can)

I was sat on a plane to Thailand with my best mate. ‘Harry,’ I asked. ‘Do you think it’d be inappropriate if I don’t drink at Mike’s wedding?’

We were both flying out to be groomsmen to our other best mate, the indomitable Mike to the beautiful Jess.

‘Yes, it would definitely be inappropriate,’ Harry said bluntly.

‘But why?’ I asked.

‘It’s Mike’s big day,’ said Harry. ‘It’s not about you, it’s about him and Jess. Also, Mike’s from an ex-pat culture which is based around drinking. He’s probably going to be popping champagne corks like a Pez dispenser. If you’re not toasting his wedding, that’s going to be kind of inappropriate.’

‘But if I was a recovering alcoholic it wouldn’t be appropriate for me to drink. Or if I was doing for charity. No one would have any problem then.’

‘But you’re not, Jon. You’re doing it for a silly challenge. Also, you’re an idiot because it’s a free bar.’

He was right. It was a free bar.

But I didn’t think I would come up against so much resistance on my year long challenge to not drink.

It all started at a beer festival at my local Royal Legion on December 30th 2016. Me and my mates Diddy and Bran were getting right royally twatted on some dubious local brews.

‘I need a challenge for nexsht year,’ I slurred over my pint glass.

‘Why dunyu just have a New Year’s resholution like the resht of us,’ drolled Diddy.

‘Yeah, you could give vis up for a start,’ Bran said draining his half empty glass. *hic* ‘’S’you’re round, Doolan.’

I stood at the bar, my woozy, booze-addled brain thinking about what the lads had said. A New Year’s resolution to give up booze.

For an actual year.

Not like a normal New Year’s resolution. Not one I’d forget come Valentine’s Day. This would be a proper, 365 day, full on Whole Year’s resolution.

But why stop there? If I could give up booze, why couldn’t I give up a whole load of other stuff that was keeping me down. Stuff that I knew if I changed then I’d be a ‘better’ person.

I made a list on my phone and texted it to myself.

On the morning of the 31st I woke up to the text and a head ache so banging I thought Bob the Builder had set up residence in my skull. Can he fix it? No, but some bloody Aspirins could!

I had a list:

Booze
Smoking
Chocolate
Crisps
Cake
Sweets
Plastic Water Bottles
Plastic Carrier Bags
Texting whilst Driving
Intentionally Speeding
Learn the guitar
Learn the unicycle
20 press ups a day
20 sit ups a day
Porn

Now, I should go into a bit more detail for some of those.

I don’t smoke (so that was easy enough).

The Plastic Bottles and Plastic Bags thing was because of these two awesome girls.

The Speeding thing didn’t apply if I’d found I’d accidentally been speeding, like driving down a hill and realising I’d jumped a notch or two above 70.

On the motorway of course. If I was pushing 70 a suburb street I should probably just give up driving all together!

And the porn, well, what can I say? To clarify I was giving it up, not partaking in it.

I don’t watch a ton of porn but I’m sure it’s not good for my mental or sexual health. For starters, I don’t know what the porn star’s situation is. Maybe they’re only appearing in Booty Booty Bang Bang 3 as a last resort because they can’t afford their astronomical student fees.

Also, how can I bring my daughter up telling her she should respect her body when I’m getting pleasure watching other women debase theirs. Along with that, what message am I sending my wife if I’m resorting to porn to get my kicks.

‘You’re giving up porn?’ said Harry over a WhatsApp message once I'd sent him the list.

‘Yep,’ I replied.

‘Well, you’ve failed that one already.’ He sent me a picture of a fat naked man reclining on a sun bed.

As it goes, I’ve not missed porn that much. In fact, I’ve not missed any of the things I gave up really.

The hardest thing has actually been doing something every day. I managed to do the press ups and sit ups well into February until I forgot one day. And then the next. And the next. Until I realised that I had over a thousand press ups to do to make it up.

Also, the unicycle hit a bit of a roadblock. Not literally. Though thinking about it it may have done. I managed to get my hands on one but it has a puncture and I’ve not been arsed to fix it / don’t have the mechanical know how.

I’ll won’t go into all the details of all the resolutions. This blogpost would start to resemble an early guitar session, long and painful to watch. I’ll give you a fuller update on how I’ve done on each of the resolutions towards the end of the year.

Maybe I’ll just leave this video here.

Enjoy!